


Rubatosis

by fuegucci



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Short One Shot, rlly sappy lame ending sobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 11:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4703753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuegucci/pseuds/fuegucci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>rubatosis - n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing feels less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rubatosis

**Author's Note:**

> (this takes place just short of a month after the auction raid)

The chateau was uncharacteristically quiet as Mutsuki entered. A mute Saiko was rummaging around in the kitchen, and Shirazu sat dully in front to the TV. Sasaki was at a meeting.

 

“Is Urie home?” Mutsuki called out to Shirazu in the living room.

 

“What do you think?”

 

That didn’t surprise him.

 

Urie was nowhere to be seen, as had become the norm recently after the events of the auction raid. Mutsuki figured whatever he went though mentally and physically during the raid was enough to will him to spend as much time away from home as possible. He tried to act like he didn’t notice, but something has definitely been off about him since the incident during the auction raid. Urie probably didn’t want to talk about it, though, so he kept quiet and moved on. He knew how those types of things were.

 

But really, why did he suddenly care so much? There he went again, thinking of Urie’s whereabouts and reasoning again. That was also something that became frequent as of late.

 

“Mucchaaaaaaaaaan. You’re blocking my path to my tournament. Don’t stand in the middle of the hall like that.”

 

+++

 

“We’re splitting up for this mission,” Sasaki had explained, “Shirazu, Saiko and I will cover this sector, and Mutsuki and Urie will cover this one.” Great. Urie wouldn’t put this one past Shirazu. That damned squad leader.

 

It wasn’t that Mutsuki was unbearable, but ever since the auction raid he never stopped giving Urie the most pitiful looks he’d ever witnessed just because of that one weak moment. Urie kicked himself for letting anyone else see that happen to him. What was he supposed to say? ‘I lost control of myself and I fucking loved it’? That was just embarrassing. He didn’t want to look like Sasaki.

 

What was that saying? If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it. So he didn’t. He kept quiet by avoiding the topic. He avoided the topic by avoiding the witness.

 

“So we’re here…and Sassan’s group is over there…” Mutsuki thought aloud, map in hand. “Maybe if we go to that spot it would be easier to get a better view, don’t you think? ...Urie?”

 

Urie pulled the earbud out of his ear and glanced around apathetically. “If you say so.”

 

“...I mean, if you have another plan in mind I’m totally open to hearing that… you were squad leader after all-”

 

“-Don’t remind me.” Urie shifted his absent gaze and replaced the earbud. He hated this already. He wasn’t bringing up the topic verbally, but he couldn’t stand his partner’s coddled words and steady sentences. He didn’t want to hear any more of it. Did he look like he needed help? He wasn’t a fucking child and he could handle things on his own, without the presence of Mutsuki’s constant worried eyebrows or his slow voice. He didn’t recall inviting anyone to a pity party. He started walking faster.

 

“You really have to stop doing that.” There it was again. Urie wasn’t looking but he could picture the exact look on his face. One wide eye looking up, mouth curling into a faint frown. The look was always there, always, ever since then. Weeks, almost a month later and the same face was always there, like a sad puppy.

“Look I know you don’t want to talk to anyone but avoiding isn’t-” Stop it. Just stop it. Don’t tell me what’s wrong or right or how I’m not going about this the right way I’m doing things the way they work for me and they work for me better when I’m aw a y  f r o m   y o u-

 

“You’re acting like a child!”

 

Urie’s pace picked up. The more he recalled, the more he thought of that room twenty-six days ago, the more he felt the mouth closing in on him the more he wanted to vomit the more he saw that face, that pitiful face the more his mind raced with fantasies of promotion promotion promotionpromotionpromotionpromotion-

 

Mutsuki struggled to match his pace as it increased steadily. “H-hey! We have to stay together! Urie!” As his hand finally brushed Urie’s wrist, it was violently smacked away, making Mutsuki stumble behind him.

 

Don’t try to act like you’re not treating me like one already.

 

“You can’t just run off like that!” The boy behind him yelled. “We have to finish the mission! What if something  happens to you?”

 

I have control I can control myself I can do it I have control I have CONTROL I AM FULLY CAPABLE I can get there by myself ICAN DOITALONE IDONT NEED ANYONE

 

Both were in a sprint, Mutsuki panting as he chased Urie. He got close enough to hear labored breathing and the blaring music coming from his headphones, to see his hands tremble. Fuck, Mutsuki thought, barely registering as the curse word crossed his mind. He’d never really dealt with something like this? Was this a panic attack? Was this the way Urie handled himself when he’s overwhelmed?

 

Did he cause this?

 

“Umm -  “ Now Mutsuki found himself in a frenzy, still chasing Urie and thinking of the right thing to do. He inched closer with a hand reaching out to his partner, still not sure of his plan of action. They’d managed to get away from the busy streets by now. Their fast-paced footsteps echoed along the seemingly endless sidewalk they were running on.  “Urie, please!”

 

An arm tugged at Urie’s sleeve at his elbow.

 

He heard pants from behind him, probably exhausted from the combination of running and raising his voice.

 

His headphones had fallen out of his ears, still blasting the music through their speakers. All else was quiet.

 

There they were, frozen in time, like in a dreadfully cliche scene from one of Saiko’s shoujo anime.

 

“Tch-”

 

“Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Inhale.. exhale.”

 

Maybe it was because he’d tired himself out, or maybe he was saving his words for something more worth his time. Maybe he was already doing it because he could barely hear Mutsuki’s voice against the demons clouding his head. Whatever the reasoning, Urie found himself taking a sharp inhale and exhale, inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale -

 

Urie couldn’t concentrate at first and his rapid gulps for air nearly crossed the line of sobbing. His heart was pounding and his mouth could barely catch up and his lungs were trying to catch up with his heart and this feeling of dread was rising in his throat and choking him. His senses were amplified. His eyes darted at everything in close proximity and his intakes slowed down but the looming dark Presence was still roaming around his body somewhere. It was planting his feet to the ground, it was slithering into his knuckles and fingers one by one. It was encircling itself around his vocal chords and binding his lips shut.

 

Urie was frozen stiff and Mutsuki didn’t know what to make of it. He looked at his hand. Was this too close? Was he invading his friend’s space? He didn’t ask him to put it there, and he didn’t even know it they were close enough for this, what if he was doing this all wrong? he’d dealt with his own panic attacks but had never helped someone else oh god what if he didn’t even experience things like this the same way? What if this wasn’t helping at all?

 

“Look, Urie, I’m really really sorry if I was the one who triggered any of this but please move. Please breathe. Something. Please. I’m reallyreally really sorry I don’t know what I did wrong to you but I’m sorry I’m sorry I don’t even know if this is registering fully for you but please -”

 

Mutsuki’s hand wavered in the same place and slowly but surely Urie’s fingers stopped shaking and his back straightened and his breaths were full and heavy. He stretched and unstretched his digits and cracked his knuckles.

 

Whatever feeling that was trapping his body visibly melted away.

 

“D-do you feel better?”

 

Urie turned around to look at Mutsuki, eyes downcast. His answer came in a nearly inaudible voice.

 

“Please don’t speak of this to anyone.” The purple-haired boy’s usual edge in his words was lost. “Please…”

 

Mutsuki allowed a small smile to come to his lips. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to.”

 

Urie finally glanced at Mutsuki’s face. There was something there that Urie didn’t expect from him, he couldn’t put his finger on it. Maybe the reason for the worrisome face was in fear of what just happened.

 

Maybe he’d been through it too.

 

Urie didn’t want to ask about what seemed like a personal matter, but he wondered.

 

They did become closer that day. Urie apologized, and Mutsuki told him that he would always be there for him. He didn’t lie. They spent more time together. And one day, Urie felt his heart stop for an entirely different reason.

 

**Author's Note:**

> sooo yeah! i hope i didn't mischaracterize tooo much, it's my first time writing these two ;-; i figured that urie was prone to occasional panic attacks because of his past and stuff and i thought it would be really nice to have these two bond over something like this so they both have someone to talk to who understands? i'm drowning in this ship b y e


End file.
